Hesitation and its sources

The word hesitation sounds so I can understand the one who hesitates to say it. The "beak" as the "backbone" of the word immediately rejects it, and everyone would certainly like to say that this hesitation does not apply to him, that he should not be found in the same sentence with him. Again, it is a part of our lives and it happens to us, at least sometimes, and to some often or even continuously. When you just think about hesitation, you "see" a person who stutters, breaks his fingers, looks at the floor, doesn't finish sentences, blushes, sweats... Many of the typical signs of anxiety are there, only more intense, often focused on a specific topic.

If I understand the Serbian language well, there seem to be two types of hesitation. When someone scanner, he didn't even dare to start. He knows what he would like, there is no doubt about what attracts him and what his ambitions are. Only - and there are many possible reasons for this - some inhibition does not allow him to take the first step and try to move towards his goal and fight for it. Maybe he will never do it, which, unfortunately, often happens in life; maybe he will convince himself that the goal was not so important, which is a very typical defense mechanism; and maybe, if he dares, it will turn out to be the best move in his life or, again, the biggest disappointment. That's one of the points of hesitation: there are few guarantees for anything in life, and some people freeze before that.

If, however, someone wavering, he has several options and doesn't know which one to choose. It is not necessarily inhibition, it is more likely that the focus is on a deep dilemma, that it is about ambivalence. A person hesitates because he is weighing which path is better to take, and that process can take a lot of time. Both options can be almost equally attractive or scary, and it is not easy to choose, especially if you do not have enough experience. But if the matter is truly ambivalence, then someone carries a fundamental indecision and changes his position on the same issue, maybe even on each, maybe even many times.

THE KEY IS IN BALANCE

Hesitation is psychologically very interesting, because it is also an internal process and it doesn't have to be that way at all. The essence of hesitation should be internal questioning (even if someone performed it out loud, or with friends), intense focus and strong feelings related to whether to be or not to be, as in numerous old depictions of adolescents choosing a life path. But if the hesitation lasts too long, does not lead to outcomes and decisions and seems to grind, then it is more a mannerism than a real internal process of questioning and decision-making.

One could easily think that the prevalence of this phenomenon is a consequence of the higher average age in the general population, since with age our courage and impulsiveness weaken (which can be both good and bad), and caution and hesitation increase. However, this cannot be an important factor. We encounter hesitation already in childhood and it is very pronounced in some children. It will be that everything, however, depends more on personality traits and the risk that the dilemma brings.

Of course, hesitation is sometimes desirable, even necessary. Psychology says that thinking is a trial action, so you can "try" many options in your head in just an hour. Thanks to this, you do not jump immediately, but imagine the possible outcomes of the jump, assess the risk and learn whether it makes sense to carry it out. If it wasn't for this capacity, we would hardly be here at all. And if the stakes are high, if you have a lot to lose, if you have painful previous experiences with something, or there is responsibility for many people involved, taking longer to consider the options can simply be a sign of maturity and responsibility.

Everything, as is often the case, can be a matter of degree, of balance. Hesitation is sometimes too much and it can hinder functioning, above all decision-making and interpersonal relationships. More and more professions require you to break fast and take risks. Many people feel remorse for taking life too seriously, weighing up too long, and missing out on opportunities of various kinds. From the perspective of psychotherapy practice, it seems that hesitation is inevitable for some people, that they hesitate both before major life changes (such as changing jobs) and before everyday decisions (such as ordering at a restaurant). That they try to control some fundamental insecurity in their inner voice by excessive use of opinion, rational assessment (here it is also interesting how overthinking be translated into Serbian, since that experience is often foreign to us, and yes to be skeptical initially meant thinking too long and delaying action), or too frequent consultations. And that thinking then postpones the whole thing, takes away its initial excitement, dries it up, so that the center of the event becomes the dilemma itself, and not possible gain or loss.

FEAR OF CONSCIENCE

Together with the described "pale cast of thought", comes the famous "Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all" (due to which the extreme hesitation could be called Hamletization), and refers to one of the sources: conscience, fear of guilty conscience. An awful lot of people hesitate for fear of taking responsibility for a decision, just as much as some others relish the opportunity. In traditional societies, girls do not get the opportunity to learn how to handle responsibility and what can be positive about it, as only "housework" is delegated to them. One step further is that many people hesitate because they are afraid of making a mistake and the latter is guilty of guilt. And that is quite understandable, especially if the decision involves someone else, or a larger group, or particularly sensitive ones. Maybe they would try to hear some other voice inside, but they are afraid that the feeling of guilt due to a wrong decision is the strongest of them all. Even the high probability of the highest possible gain cannot be compared with the fear of remorse in case of loss. But possible future guilt does not mean that I cannot fantasize about taking a step forward, and then hesitate.

In more conservative societies, one should probably also expect a lot of hesitation due to fear of condemnation. And although it can be a real possibility, and even a reason for caution, it is often a matter of projecting one's own feelings of guilt and the expectation that someone important, or the entire community, will react in the same way, which is why many hesitate, change decisions or give up goals or desires that they feel are infinitely important to them intimately.

FEAR OF CHANGE

Latin verb haesitare it suggests that the hesitancy may be stuck or stuck. And this is potentially very interesting psychologically, since it could mean that someone is hesitating because they feel oneness with a situation or person, and fear that not hesitating would mean separating, initiating change. As long as I hesitate, everything remains the same and I won't have to search for my identity, tastes, decisions, choices... That's why it's better for others to decide for me, to give up even the search for what I like, to always ask "should I take it plain or with cheese?" and wait for the proposal.

Many parents make the big mistake of teaching their children that the world is dangerous and making them overcautious, instead of helping them acquire and develop the social skills necessary to navigate challenges. Therefore, the cause of hesitation can be some general fears or anxieties. This situation is simply deduced from the fact that someone is afraid of "everything", so he is also afraid of making (every) concrete decision. Regardless of age, type of decision, situation, presence or absence of other people, "amount" of reward or punishment - I hesitate even with small things, every day, and my anxiety that I will make a mistake is visible to everyone. Such conditions are rarely seen outside the clinical domain, and it is much more likely that you will meet someone who suffers from an intense fear of change, that is, the uncertainty that follows it, so they stay put and do not dare to take the first step.

Sometimes we make a decision, but we doubt it, we can't decide if it is right. We are on unknown ground, we have no knowledge and/or experience, we cannot consult anyone. It seems almost typical to me that successful and smart women come to psychotherapy who know how to graduate from universities and lead teams, but torture themselves and those close to them before they manage to make any decision regarding their love life. Or it's about investing money. Or what to say to a rude neighbor. And as soon as she decided what she was going to do, it immediately seemed to her that the right thing would actually be the opposite. And she calls everyone whose number she has to check how many of them agree with which decision, although it is clear that life will pass before she does the statistics.

And finally, hesitation can be due to confusion. Someone is faced with a decision or a dilemma and suddenly gets so upset that he can't think clearly, it's not that he doesn't know whether to go left or right, but the logic itself is stirred within him. Hesitation can then be buying time to be able to find support for those internal processes and the possibility to grasp a general orientation, and not just to solve this particular problem.

As is usually the case, there is also the exact opposite problem. It sounds silly to say that someone hesitates too little, but it can indeed lead to potentially dangerous recklessness and impulsiveness, even if sometimes based on too much, unrealistic self-confidence. And perhaps, also, there is a danger that "not hesitating" includes insufficient self-examination and a kind of superficiality of the inner life, a kind of "fortinbrassing", when it seems that this world full of nuances is actually completely clear and simple.

The author is a psychologist