One of the meanings that the term "maturation" has in psychology refers to what certainly comes as a result of the biological development of the organism, what is only slightly influenced by external factors and personal effort. Unless something dramatic happened, puberty starts everything and if someone would like to ban it, the senses and muscles weaken with age, many people face cognitive decline in old age... All these are examples of changes that occur in us beyond external influences, simply under the influence of anatomical and physiological changes on psychological properties and processes.
We have the more important meaning of maturing in mind when we think about how someone becomes a mature person, how they grow up, become independent... Before the emergence of academic psychology as we know it today, there was a fairly developed genre in literature that described growing up, usually of young men, their dilemmas, disappointments and discoveries (German word Bildungsroman it has become common in many other languages as well). Since schooling is extended and there is adolescence, these processes are really interesting, since they involve many difficult decisions, risks and fears, so it is easy to understand why both writers and readers were deeply interested in them.
Psychology, of course, aspires to be able not only to describe but also to explain the origin and nature of such developmental processes. So what did we discover? What defines a mature personality?
DELAY GRATITION
We start to develop one crucially important quality in early childhood and we never become completely successful in it. That, perhaps the most difficult task, is delaying gratification, the capacity to wait, because something is not available to us at the moment or because of a higher goal that requires at least a short-term sacrifice: we wash our hands before starting lunch, finish our homework before going out to play basketball, skip parties when we are preparing for exams... And although the strength necessary for this behavior grows with age, everyone has some weakness and sometimes indulges and pleases himself. However, we definitely recognize a mature person by the fact that he knows how to set priorities and can wait with the fulfillment of less important wishes. Whenever we manage to delay some gratification, some aspect of personality is built within us and we grow and become more stable.
BEAR FAILURE AND SEPARATION
Closely related to the previous one is the capacity to bear frustrations, only this time the "plot" is outside of us. I am not required to be disciplined and patient, but what I want is unavailable, spent, someone else's... It is easy to see how difficult it is for preschool children to lose in the game, to accept that they will not get a chocolate bar in the supermarket, that some toys belong to another child, that they will not get pancakes every night. This torment continues throughout life, but we are expected to keep it under control: we envy less, we accept life's limitations, we accept that not all dreams and ambitions will come true. The natural reaction to frustration is anger, but it should also "subside" with maturation and be replaced by some kind of wisdom and capacity to see life from a higher perspective.
Probably the most painful experience, or at least the biggest emotional challenge, for most people is separation from important people, those we love, who can give us a sense of security and acceptance. And sometimes it is difficult to separate from particularly important objects, spaces or memories. In moments of intense anxiety, babies and young children seek ways to prevent even minimal separation, as they do not believe in their capacity to defend themselves, protect themselves, or calm down. This fear of separation can remain present even in adults, and sometimes it can be expressed as intense missing, sadness or jealousy. This is probably most pronounced in those who are acutely in love, who often walk holding hands in order not to emphasize how they feel that they have become one and have a need for uninterrupted contact. Maturity is reflected in the capacity to keep this fear of separation under control to a certain extent, to look forward to meeting people we love, but to live our lives even when we are far from them. No one will ever completely defeat him, and he may intensify in his old age, but we hope that the degree of autonomy in relation to him will increase.
FROM SELF-RESPECT TO EMPATHY
Mature people should have both realistic and stable self-esteem. It should not be unrealistically high, just as it should not sink or disappear. Also, mature self-esteem does not depend primarily on other people's praise or criticism. In other words: close relationships are based neither on admiration and applause nor on expressing or tolerating humiliation. Acknowledgments are nice, but a mature person knows their faults and virtues better than anyone else and they are not the center of attention, as they can enjoy other people's talents, successes and recognitions, and even actively seek better from themselves so that they can continue to learn and develop.
Although everyone knows that we are tormented by irrational and unnecessary feelings of guilt, more mature people have a more developed capacity to allow themselves pleasure and are not haunted by feelings of guilt. This is partly related to the developed value system, which is the basic compass in life and relationships with others and oneself. When that system is explicit and clear, and the person follows it most of the time, there are neither many reasons for breakthrough feelings of guilt, nor is it dramatically intense, long-lasting and damaging. Another phenomenon that is related to this is mature empathy, which is not simple sympathy and grief that someone is sad, but also a very precise instrument to grasp the nature and meaning of other people's inner states, which is accompanied by a greater tolerance for the mistakes and flaws of others, but, consequently, a greater capacity to forgive ourselves.
CENTRAL ROLES
It is impossible to think about maturity without discovering the purpose of life. Until we manage to discover what we will dedicate our talents and strengths to, there is no way to reach inner peace and experience maturity. This can be completely different for different people - protecting the vulnerable, helping the sick, creative activities, educating young people, research efforts and much more - but it has an incomparably stronger effect on our sense of well-being and satisfaction with life than any "external" factor (position in society, education, wealth). Over time, activity that brings a sense of purpose becomes more important than narrower personal interests, so, paradoxically at first glance, personality maturity can be reflected in commitment to something that transcends us.
Finally, close relationships and functional forms of communication play a central role in maturity. With maturity comes the capacity for committed close friendships, openness, honesty, selflessness, as well as for loving and erotic intimacy and exchange, with all the risks and gifts they bring. This is not so much about the number of people with whom we are connected, but about the depth and personal character of the exchange we achieve with them, which is characterized by the willingness to listen carefully, take responsibility, be self-sacrificing, not impose our views...
A characteristic of maturity is that it is possible to find a measure that is as good as it gets. There is a kind of integration and harmony in the personality, no one trait is overdeveloped at the expense of others. No exceptionality (in intelligence, talent, integrity) needs to be present, but one can sense harmony and an absence of effort to enjoy life.
SOME NEVER MATURE
Against all this, there are countless ways to remain emotionally immature, many of which we all see around us every day. To begin with, so-called old children, prematurely matured out of necessity to compensate for the immaturity of their parents, are often forever immature in some aspects of personal development just as much as they are overmature in others.
So-called eternal adolescents never develop commitment, discipline, capacity to care for others. One subvariant of them is never separated from their parents, never independent, they have a thousand projects and no permanent job, everything starts next Monday, they always have two more exams.
Some people remain forever in need of outside help to regulate their feelings, whether through symbiotic relationships, drugs, alcohol, religiosity, or group fanaticism. Others must forever remain in the center of attention, their jobs are the most interesting, what happens to them is the most dramatic, all relationships are like from a theater stage. There are also those who avoid any intimacy, work and do not socialize with anyone, live and travel alone, convince themselves that they do not need people. I dedicate less space to them just because they are more conspicuous, they are talked about more, more movies have been made, someone suffers because of them and complains to you whenever they get the chance.
Emotional maturity is extremely important, but it seems quite rare. Immaturity, on the other hand, seems like something we respect less and we would like everyone to learn to overcome it. However, we should not lose sight of the fact that the most important thing here is balance, some kind of interplay between these aspects of personality. Because without the moments during which we forget about maturity, there would be no playfulness, laughter until tears, enjoyment of life, falling in love, creativity...
The author is a psychologist
